My Coming Out Story

My Coming Out Story
By Christopher James Burns-Swanson (originally posted to my Facebook Notes)

On February 14, 1996, I left my home in the Central California for Navy bootcamp.  Why whould someone who knew they were gay join the military?  For me the reason was 2-fold.  I knew I needed to get out of Turlock.  I had seen what happened to people who never escape the clutches of the San Joaquin valley and I didn’t want that to happen to me.  Also, it was my attempt at “straightening” myself out.  I was so filled with self-hatred over being gay.  I, honestly, thought that I would never have a happy existence if I were gay.  So, the military seemed to be the obvious answer to me.  Boot camp actually did the opposite.  Going through boot camp made me realize my own strength and value.  I came to understand that I could be happy being who I am.  However, I was now in the military and had to keep quiet due to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  I made it through boot camp and was sent to Orlando, Florida to attend nuclear training school.  While in Orlando, I met a charming young man who I ended up becoming involved with…which, I probably shouldn’t have since he was all ready involved.  Oh well, live and learn.  Mister, if you’re reading this, please know I do not regret meeting you nor do I regret our relationship…please know that.  Anyways, said charming man ended up introducing me to a great group of gays, lesbians, and allies.  It felt wonderful to be with people that I didn’t have to hide who I was.  When I signed up for the Navy, I thought staying in the closet wouldn’t be a problem at all.  Afterall, I had done it for 18 years but I soon found out I was wrong.  Keeping such a secret in such an environment as the DADT military has a poisonous effect on a person.  I was so afraid of being found out that I subscribed to Playboy in hopes that would keep suspicion at bay.  I even went so far as to propose to a friend of mine back in Turlock.  Luckily I realized that would be detrimental to my friend and called it off.  L, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry about that.  I’m glad you found happiness.  Trying to keep myself secret was eating away at me.  I was having difficulty sleeping and when I did sleep it wasn’t restful at all.  Ultimately I believe that is the reason why I ended up failing out of the 2nd nuclear school.  I was completely wiped.  Once again I was filled with self-loathing.  This time is wasn’t over being gay but rather over who I was becoming in order to keep it quiet.  The poison was building up so much that something had to give.  While in TPD (Transitory Personnel Department- where they put people in between gigs or investigations), I took a long walk and asked my God and Goddess what I should do.  My response, “Trust in us.  Be yourself.  Take that leap of faith and all will work out for the best.”  I spent weeks trying to build up the courage to come out to my Commanding Officer and face the consequences.  Finally, the Universe decided to give me a little push.  I had received orders to report to Submarine School in Groton, Connecticut.  I knew it was now or never.  I went down to the CO’s office and asked if I could speak to him.  He obliged and asked me to sit down.  He asked me what I needed to discuss and I blurted out, “I’m gay.”  As I continued to talk, I can’t recall what I was saying, he told me to stop that he needed to have a witness in such a circumstance.  I believe he called in the Master at Arms.  So, I had to repeat myself so that the Master at Arms could verify.  When I left that office, despite the fact that an investigation would be underway shortly, I felt so light and happy.  FINALLY!!  Well, despite that shove from the Universe, it decided that things also needed to slow down, so Mercury went retrograde and the investigation into my “alleged” homosexuality was put on hold for the entire duration of the Mercury retrograde.  Once Mercury went direct, they started calling in my friends and acquaintances in the Navy.  One by one they were questioned.  I was called into a JAG officer’s office the next day and I was interrogated.  The JAG office was a good looking fellow.  He asked me if I knew I was gay prior to enlisting and why I enlisted if I knew.  He asked me if my parents knew…they did not.  “Well, they’ll find out after this.”  That was the response I received from the officer.  Without missing a beat I looked the officer in the eye and said, “Good!  It’s about time they know.”  I was terrified at what he was insinuating.  I felt as though he was going to call them as soon as I left the office but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing my fear.  Once I was dismissed from his office, I walked to the phone booths near Charming Young Man’s barracks.  I called my parents.  DARN IT, answering machine.  Well, I didn’t want them to get a message from JAG man, so I left them a message.  I told them that I was gay and that I needed their love and support right now.  Though I was uncertain of how my parents would react, again I felt free.  The rest of the day I kept trying to reach my parents to find out what their reaction was.  I reached my mom first.  She was crying.  She wanted to know what she did wrong and I told her that she did absolutely nothing wrong.  This was just how I was made.  When I calmed her down I asked her when dad would be home.  He would be home until later in the evening.  I said goodbye to my mom and that I love her, she responded that she loved me too.  Now I had to wait until dad came home.  I believe to try and take my mind off it, I went to Fashion Square Mall and walked around.  That did little to take the upcoming reaction from my dad off my mind.  The time had come that dad would be home so I called home right there from the mall.  Dad answered.  We talked for a bit and he said that even though he doesn’t understand, I was his son and he loves me regardless.  I WAS FLOORED.  Here was a retired Marine telling me that he loves his gay son.  I started to cry.  So, I was out to my family and I was out to the Navy!  I was ecstatic!!  Now all I had to do was await the discharge.  A few days after I told my parents, I was called into another office.  I was there to see a yeoman.  I believe he was the yeoman of my Commanding Officer.  He informed me that they were putting me on terminal leave, which meant that I was free to leave to await the results of my discharge.  He also confided in me that given my service record and lack of incriminating evidence that he was convinced I would get an Honorable Discharge.  I stayed in Orlando for a couple more weeks until finally; I decided it was time to go home.  I returned to California on April 5, 1997.  I received my discharge, HONORABLE, on May 27th.  I do not regret my time in the Navy.  In fact, if I hadn’t had that experience, I don’t know if I would’ve ever had the courage to come out...I'd like to think I would.  The Navy taught me much about myself and it allowed me to meet a lot of great people, many of whom I’m still in touch with.  So there you go folks, the shake ‘n’ bake version of my coming out.